If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
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House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Butt weight. There’s more!
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.