“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
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How can I say no to this ?
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy