In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
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Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”