Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
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*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
This January has 47 Mondays
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Erm I’m gonna say no
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!