[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
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If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Mornin
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum