Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
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date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
how long have you had this for?
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*