<- sleeps well with others
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Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive