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[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
channeling her this year
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
The pen is writier than the sword.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.