My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
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Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December