Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
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2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.