ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
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A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.