You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
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Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
The best shot in the history of golf
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.