being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
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[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Respect
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
The photographer’s assistant
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.