Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
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Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
This makes total sense…
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?