A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
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Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.