I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
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I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good