then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
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How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
channeling her this year
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?