I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
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12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17