Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
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WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
I needed a laugh this morning.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.