I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
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Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.