Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
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WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
The French cow says MEUX…
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes