[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
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“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that