Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
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Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Dear Lord..
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women