Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
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Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you