Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
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⚠️ Important Reminder:
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]