Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
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cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Peace was never an option
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.