Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
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God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Trying
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue