Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
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TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.