Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
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I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner