about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
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The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.