Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
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1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters