before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
it must be school picture day
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this