Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
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An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Worst bar ever.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.