Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
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Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Passwords are more important than ever.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.