Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
You Might Also Like
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
smartest karate player in the world
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!