I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
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Tell the colonel to bring it
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me