Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
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Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.