Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
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wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah