I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
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*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward