You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
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Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018