A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
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[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
fair
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.