I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
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me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Ironic
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.