Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
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Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?