my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
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[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
FRED: right
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”