me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
You Might Also Like
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”