I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
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ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*