When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
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“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Perfection.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?