Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
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Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it