“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
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Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.