By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
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ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
😂🤣😂🤣
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.